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We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
me to God
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.