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Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.