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Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]