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What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
same but as an audience member
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?