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Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm