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My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly