You Might Also Like
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
So many people to disappoint, so little time
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.