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When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
My neck, my back, my…
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat