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@Spaziotwat

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

@Jenn_H_Scott

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

@ClichedOut

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

@StarksWeek

“I put on pants for nothing”

– my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.

Someone set up her Twitter account.

@seegreenfairys

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

@KKAlThani

My iPod started crying after I dropped it. I said “You’ll be okay, stop syncing about it”. We laughed & made jokes about Microsoft together.

@AnnietheNanny1

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

@kumailn

“Look slightly worried.” – picture advice from The Singer/Songwriter’s Handbook

@HereComesCunty

1990’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up again*

2020’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up* *washes hands* *burns clothes* *initiates contact tracing*

@SJSchauer

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ?. ?????’?. ???. ???.