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Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Who does Amazon think I am?
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
rip to my favourite tweet
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”