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nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Straight people are cancelled
I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
My dad.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.