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are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.