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Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
good morning
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.