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I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time