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*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.