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Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.