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“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Bear knowledge
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
🤣🤣🤣🤣