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People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I camp so other people don’t have to.
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt