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This classic never gets old . . .
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Actually cracking up @ this
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
