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[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
need a new bf mines broken 😐
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Can confirm.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.