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The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way