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You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.