You Might Also Like
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Never forget.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Reporter: *ports again*
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”