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I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip