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Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
two people or more is called a problem
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911