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*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I love the honesty
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
The glory of fall.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky