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I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker