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If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Generation gap…
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I need to sieze this.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
🤣😂🤣😂
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”