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Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
You are what you eat! (If anyone needed more encouragement to eat the rich.)
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
ugh not again
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself