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I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”