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Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Is fake venison called venisn’t
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
💀💀
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
You got this…
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.