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Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.