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Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
me after i passed that state trooper
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.