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10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
*seductively corrects your posture*
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”