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“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
She was REALLY feeling it.
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.