You Might Also Like
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?