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Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
How about daylight saves us for once
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Pretty certain I can more drunk