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How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Stop
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!