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[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)