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Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?