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[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
was Jim off killing horses or…
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost