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so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I’m being attacked 😭
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.