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Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
A short story of betrayal:
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
How dude HOW?!
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
