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banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.