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colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
do u think theres a butter planet?
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Velcrow
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos