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MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party