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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Have a lovely day 😊
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
