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[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
i can’t wait that long
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
That’s commitment
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.