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journal
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
(Jupiter –
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy