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Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Got ya covered
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*