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My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils