You Might Also Like
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’