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It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
grandpa was shocked
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭