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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.