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new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.