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Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy