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Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch