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Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I had to Stop for this
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.