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At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I can also cook 😂
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know