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Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”