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Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
What?!?
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?