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I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel