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I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
welp
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.