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The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time