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[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
yeah no that’s fair
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
When you “pspspsp” too hard
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.