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If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Well, that should do it
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen