You Might Also Like
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Found my door mat
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with