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Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Made something I’m not proud of
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Blew my mind.