You Might Also Like
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
We all have our pet causes.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.