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three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.