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Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Not today.. 😂
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.