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Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
We like the way Dwight thinks
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af