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Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”