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Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What鈥檚 updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT鈥橲 UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What鈥檚 the problem?
Police: You鈥檙e not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We鈥檙e taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can鈥檛 have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it鈥檚 a step by step guide.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
One minute you鈥檙e wild and free, the next you鈥檙e standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
This is not my fort茅. It’s not even my threet茅 if I’m being honest.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 馃榿
Losing 馃槻
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It鈥檚 called Elmer鈥檚 All Purpose Glue Stick
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.