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Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Sure. Why not?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I put the p in pants.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
No, you’re not getting it your honor
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.