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You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?