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Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.