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This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Running your mouth is not cardio.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces