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Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken