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When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Tuesday
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??