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When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is